On the way to my dad's this afternoon I had one of those revelatory moments that seem to strike out of the blue, one of those "a-ha!" moments when that which one knows to be intellectually true is suddenly felt in the very core of one's being. As I drove the twists and turns of Route 201 I found myself contemplating the gifts with which God has abundantly blessed me, especially those which serve me so well in ministry. Invariably, as soon as such thoughts enter my mind, I almost immediately am overcome with the realization that I am completely undeserving of anything from Him. The older I get, the more I lose the zealousness of my youth, the more overpowering this sense of complete unworthiness becomes. I compare the priest I am now to the priest I was (or more accurately - imagined myself to be!) in years gone by. Inevitably I decide that, rather than ascending towards the summit of priestly perfection with the passing of the years, I have been sliding steadily downhill. This realization serves only to deepen the guilt I feel when pondering God's gifts. It was in the midst of these guilt-filled thoughts that God made me to understand, in my heart, that all His gifts are just that - GIFTS. Nothing I have received has come because of my own efforts, my own worthiness, my own holiness. I have absolutely nothing to do with any of it. It is ALL His doing. How liberating to know that I do not have to earn anything from God! How free this knowledge leaves me to live a life of loving gratitude to the God Whose generosity knows no bounds!
